I.M. Meen

Ignatius Mortimer Meen (1934–2020) is an 86-year-old librarian who happens to be the chosen one. He is sadly one of those "ignorance is bliss" idiots.

Biography
Ignatius Mortimer Meen was born on February 30, 1934 in Nazi Germany, and during World War II, his parents sent him to the relative safety of Hyrule, where he attended Abnormal School. In 1948, his father Froschnudel died looking for a cure to the Weegee virus, so Meen began to hate the pursuit of knowledge. He dropped out of school and began working assorted jobs until he ended up helping Impa smelt the Triforce of AIDS, which caused him to be exiled to Koridai. At age 20, he opened a coffee shop / library where he imprisoned kids who wanted to learn.

Around 2010, Meen killed a blue wizard named Hectan for the hell of it. This impressed Hectan's employer Ganon, who offered him a job as his new minion. Meen refused and imprisoned Ganon in his book when Ganon angrily tried attacking him instead. Meen then overheard Link taking credit for Ganon's defeat, and when Meen quite reasonably disputed this, Link accused him of being gay. The argument continued until Link kissed Meen in front of King Harkinian and Zelda. An embarrassed Meen gave up and left, but not before swearing to get vengeance against Link and his friends.

Shortly afterward, Meen kidnapped the King and Zelda, but failed at capturing Link. Zelda, Ganon, and the King soon escaped from his book and aided Link in defeating Meen. Meen was subsequently imprisoned in the Hyrule Castle dungeon, but his ex-wife Ophelia Chill freed him. He then attempted to purchase some crack cocain from Morshu, but Morshu insulted him, provoking Meen into imprisoning Morshu in his book. Two days later, Meen's traitorous minion Gnorris sexually assaulted him, and Meen fled his labyrinth. He then idiotically decided to go back to Hyrule Castle to seek Link's help in defeating Gnorris. Link, of course, had no sympathy for Meen, who angrily imprisoned Link in his book as well.

After learning that he wasn't the only one to whom Morshu refused to sell crack cocain, Meen decided to take advantage of the gap in the drug market by becoming a crack dealer himself. He wound up selling some to the King, who, being the King, had no intention of paying. Meen threatened to shove his book up the King's butt unless he paid him, but Mayor Kravindish arrested him first. Once again imprisoned, Meen attempted to rape his cellmate Ganon, who overpowered him and raped him instead.

Meen continued to hold a grudge against the CD-i gang, teaming up with Namowg to attack Hyrule again, but he ultimately fulfilled his destiny as the chosen one by killing the troll king Mays Billy in 2019, bringing an end to the Poopocalypse. When it dawned on Meen that he had saved YouTube Poop by doing this, he committed suicide. However, due to his status as the chosen one and the fact that he had yet to defeat Ultimate Weegee, his spirit did not pass into the afterlife and eventually possessed the body of an archaeologist who then became the Ice King.

Personality
I.M. Meen tends to be pretty angry, especially at children. He hates being called gay, and likes reading his book.

Buildings Run By I.M. Meen

 * I.M. Meen's Shop (1949-1958)
 * I.M. Meen's Restaurant (1952-2007)
 * Meen Library (1958-)

Quotes

 * "Oh look, what clever children. See them study, watch them learn. How I hate those goodie-goodies, how they make my stomach turn!"
 * "I've got a little secret, that'll really make them cry. It's a nasty kind of magic, from a special kind of guy."
 * "This book is made to order, but it isn't to be read. When they open this book, they're sucked inside instead - to the most unpleasant place they've ever seen, the magic labyrinth of I.M. Meen! Very scary and confusing, destination of my choosing: the labyrinth of I.M. Meen!"
 * "What's the matter, smarty? Lost your way? My guards will be happy to escort you...to a cozy cell!"I.M._Insane.png
 * "You can't win, bookworm. I am the powerful magician in the world, and you're just a little smarty."
 * "Mirror, mirror, on the wall...there's a bookworm in the hall...but not for long!"I.M._Mutant.png
 * "Better luck next time, bookworm. Of course there probably won't be a next time!"
 * "Today's lesson is about the dangers of being too smart for your own good. I hope you're paying attention, bookworm!"
 * "Lost? Frightened? Confused? Good!"
 * "Get back into your cell, bookworm. Don't worry. I'm sure you'll escape again...in a hundred years!"
 * "You won't get far you studious little brat. My pets will see to that."
 * "Still loose, little bookworm? Don't get used to it. My pets are closing in."
 * "Well, well. I'm surprised you don't give up, bookworm. You're begging to look run-down. Why not take a little nap?"
 * "Here's a rhyme for you. Ahem, I knew a little bookworm who tried to get away, until the friendly guardians persuaded him to stay."
 * "Hello, little bookworm. I do hope you're enjoying your whirlwind tour of my labyrinth. Hmm?"I.M._Magic.png
 * "You're tougher than you look, twerp. But I've still got some tricks up my sleeve."
 * "You are beginnig to annoying me, you miserable little goodie-goodie!"
 * "Okay, bookworm, now you're really starting to annoy me. Get back into your cell before I turn you into a chipmunk!"
 * "Wretched child! You ruined my beautiful labyrinth! Now you're going to pay!"
 * "Aaaah! You may have outsmarted me this time, bookworm, but I'll be back. I.M. Meen never quits, you'll see!"
 * "Oh look, tacos!"I.M._Tired.png
 * "This butt is made to order."
 * "I.M. Gay, I mean, I.M. Meen never quits!"
 * "Buttworm!"
 * "I hope you're enjoying hell!"
 * "I'm a mime!"

Trivia

 * I.M. Meen is a bisexual and a bibliosexual.
 * Meen is a new meme, starting in 2009.
 * He briefly took over Poop EbutUoy in 2010, but was overthrown in favor of Luigi Risotto.
 * He once traveled through time, and unintentionally kick-started evolution by ordering a nucleus to enter a cell.
 * He found the Enclosed Instruction Book in 1989 and put it in his library. Being illiterate, he never realized the importance of his find.
 * He was once affected by Fire Flower Radiation, creating Grignatious Grortimer Green.
 * He was born on February 30, a day that occurred once to resolve calendar issues too complicated for me to explain. This meant he never got to celebrate his birthday as a child.

Gallery
See I.M. Meen/Gallery